My Grandma

I can't sleep. Too many things running through my mind. Things to do before Little Girl gets here and things that I need to do for Smasher and The Hubby's birthday is today. But it's times like these when I think about my grandma the most.

Evelyn Walker is probably one of the most influential people in my life. She was, without a doubt, the most kind-hearted, loving individual that I have ever had the privilege of knowing and I was lucky enough to get to call her "Grandma." She always had a way of calming my fears and letting me know that things were going to be okay. I remember telling her when I found out that I was pregnant with Smasher. She was worried for me, of course. I mean, I was a single 23 year-old, but instead of judging me as much of my other family members had, she was happy. Her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were her joy. Well, and her husband. In fact the last picture I have of her is one in which Smasher is sitting in the hospital bed with her and you can just tell that she is so proud of him. I guess what really got me thinking about her is a conversation I had with her when I was about 37 weeks pregnant with Smash. I was freaking out. I wasn't sure what to do. I was pretty positive that I'd be a horrible mother. I had absolutely no clue what to do with a newborn. I called her one afternoon and she could automatically sense something was wrong - she always could. So, I told her what all was bugging me. She then calmly, because she was almost always calm, told me that I would know what to do. That I would be a great mother and that God would see that Smasher and I were alright. Well, here I am again, a little over a year later. 37 weeks pregnant with this Little Girl and I can't call her. I can't have her tell me that everything is going to be fine, so I just have to remember what she told me then.

I now feel like I took my conversations with her for granted. I mean, I think most people do after the loss of someone, but had I'd known that I wouldn't be able to have many more of them with her, I would have called more. I would have gone to see her more. But, the truth is, she lived her life as such an example of how to be a kind, wonderful, generous mother, friend, wife, grandma, etc. that I don't need to have conversations with her anymore. I know what she would tell me and I know the advice that she would give me. She made sure to leave that to us. I still miss my talks with her though.

The months since August have had both good times and bad and there really hasn't been any event in my life happen that I haven't wanted to pick up the phone and call her. When Cody and I got married, she was the first person I wanted to call, mainly because I knew she'd love him. When I found out about Little Girl, I wanted her to know because I knew she'd be so happy about another great-grandchild. When Smasher is going absolutely crazy and I don't know what to do, I want to call her to see what advice she would give. Or when he started to walk or anything like that. But I have to stop myself and remember that she knows these things already. She is watching them as they are happening.

I miss my grandma. I miss making cakes with her. Looking through photo albums. Eating the AMAZING dinners she used to make. Joking around with her. Grandpa and I calling her a "crazy old women" (lovingly, of course) and her just laughing it off. Planting flowers with her. Just sitting on the porch in the evenings and listening to her stories. I could go on forever. But I won't. Those memories stay close to my heart and nothing can replace them.

I love you, Grandma. Thank you for teaching me how to be a good mother, wife, friend, etc. Thank you for always being there when I needed somewhere to turn. I miss you, but I know you're still looking out for me.