The Waiting Game

Tick-tock. tick-tock. I feel is if the seconds get longer and longer as I wait, not so patiently, for this little girl to be here. I want my body back dang it! I've never been particularly prideful about my body, but I take fairly good care of it and it usually shows. I used to work out quite a bit but I haven't been able to at all with this pregnancy because it seems every time my heart rate goes up, I go down - to the floor. But I do want a healthy baby and so if that means waiting another month for her to be here, so be it. I will do it and try to complain a little less.

This is Holy Week. Due to contractions all night last Saturday and Sunday morning, we were unable to make it to Palm Sunday. I think that's the first Palm Sunday I've missed except for when I got my tonsils out when I was six. I was pretty saddened about it. Yesterday was Maundy Thursday and yet again, I missed the service. I'm really upset by that because it's when First United Methodist does their cantata and I have some students in the choir. But what happened? I feel asleep. I mean, I needed it, but it didn't make me feel any better. So today is Good Friday. I'm really going to try to make it to a service. Really at this point I don't care where at. We will be at church Sunday morning contractions or no. The only thing that would stop us is a trip to the hospital or something in which case I think I can make an exception. I am so disappointed in myself over this because Easter has always been the one time of year that I really focus on what Jesus dying for me actually means. I should all of the time and I know that but regardless of how well I do think about it during the rest of the year, I've always used Holy Week to really think about all that God has done for me by sending His son to die for my sins. Being a mother now, I don't know that I could sacrifice my son for the sins of the entire world. I know, I sound selfish but it's true. Another thing I've always done is on Palm Sunday I read all the accounts of Jesus entering the town and the stuff that happened that week until the Last Supper. On Maundy Thursday, I read all the accounts of the Last Supper and Jesus' arrest. Good Friday, the Crucifixion. And of course, on Easter Sunday, the Resurrection. I then usually follow it by reading Acts to remind myself of how I, as a follower of Christ, should be acting and what He wants from me. I also am not going to my grandparent's this weekend which is an almost first for me. Smasher is going which I'm not too thrilled about, but I can't ride in the car for three and half hours with contractions. And I really don't trust the hospital there to even know how to deliver a baby especially by c-section. I believe that he should be with me for Easter. That we should be together as a family for Easter, but my grandparent's haven't seen him for a while and I really do need a little break. So, regardless of where he is, he's still my little boy.

Anyway, that was long. If you really know me, I make no attempt to hide the fact that I am a Christian. At one point in my life, I did. I don't want to be that person ever again. I also make no attempt to hide that I'm not perfect and that I have serious questions about religion a lot of the time, but I refuse to see that as a bad thing. I think as humans God made us to question things. And the things I question aren't necessarily the things that God has done. They are the things man have done to take away from God.

Well, Smasher is up and I don't think he's going to go back to sleep at any point so I might as well get him out of bed and fed.

So, for now...Happy Good Friday and may the love of God and the sacrifice He made go with you today.