High expectations often get dashed...

Well, today Smasher's last day as an only child that he will spend with me. When he comes back next Wednesday, life will be different. He'll be a big brother.

I'm worried for my little guy as he is used to being the center of attention. He's okay playing by himself but when he wants attention, you better give it to him NOW unless you like screetching. It's far and few between for those moments, but they're still there. I've heard of kids taking out their anger on their younger siblings when they're too young to understand. I certainly hope this isn't the case with Smasher.

The goal for today was to go hang out at the park and generally have an awesome day with Smasher since he'll be going to his dad's tonight until next Wednesday. Has any of that happened yet? Of course not. He is so cranky and has horrible allergy issues. He also has a HORRIBLE diaper rash which is making him so irritable. It seems to be getting better but still, he's in a mood today. I'm going to miss him so much. I just wish we could have had an awesome day, just the two of us, before he had to leave. I'm sure we'll have Mom/Smasher days in the future, but it's going to be a while. The Hubby has to work all day today so it truely was going to be just the two of us. Oh well. I'm just letting him play in the house all day since the wind is terrible and I'm getting some cleaning done.

It's also going to be a really busy weekend. We're hoping to make it to the first farmer's market of the year tomorrow morning and of course the Tri-State Parade. Then we have some major cleaning to do this weekend. I think the reality of her being here on Monday is finally hitting...hard. Oh, and to make matters so much better, I turned on the bath water for Smasher this morning and after filling the tub about halfway, I realize that our water is a beautiful rust color! Only the cold water is that way though. The hot water is fine. I have a lot of clothes to wash this weekend though so hopefully we can get our landlord over to check it out soon.

Anyway, I'm off.

6 Days...

There have been times in my life where six days have seemed like a minute. There have been times in my life where six days seemed like six months. I have a feeling that the next six days of my life are going to feel like six years. I'm due at the hospital next Monday at 5:00am to get ready for a 7:00am c-section. I'm not a fan of medical needles (tattoo and piercing needles are fine.) I don't like the fact that I can't eat or drink anything for about 8 hours starting at midnight that night. I hate the fact that I won't get to see Smasher for a few days. But, I am so ready for this to be over. I am not a gracious pregnant woman by any means. I am mean, cranky and just unpleasent to be around in general. I hate what it does to the body that I'm normally pretty proud of. I resent the fact that I can't go out and do simple chores such as mow the lawn (which is something I LOVE to do) without wanting to collapse from exhaustion. I hate the fact that when I tried to slide into the booth at Chili's the other day, I had to trade sides with The Hubby because I could not fit in because of the size of my stomach. There are so many things I LOATH about being pregnant. I love being a mom, just hate the process of getting there. Oh well, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now and according to my countdown clock, it is 6 days, 13 hours and 45 mins away.

This weekend was great! Didn't get as much done as we had hoped for and both Smasher and I are suffering from allergies, but it was great. More later. The kid has awoken...scary.

My Grandma

I can't sleep. Too many things running through my mind. Things to do before Little Girl gets here and things that I need to do for Smasher and The Hubby's birthday is today. But it's times like these when I think about my grandma the most.

Evelyn Walker is probably one of the most influential people in my life. She was, without a doubt, the most kind-hearted, loving individual that I have ever had the privilege of knowing and I was lucky enough to get to call her "Grandma." She always had a way of calming my fears and letting me know that things were going to be okay. I remember telling her when I found out that I was pregnant with Smasher. She was worried for me, of course. I mean, I was a single 23 year-old, but instead of judging me as much of my other family members had, she was happy. Her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were her joy. Well, and her husband. In fact the last picture I have of her is one in which Smasher is sitting in the hospital bed with her and you can just tell that she is so proud of him. I guess what really got me thinking about her is a conversation I had with her when I was about 37 weeks pregnant with Smash. I was freaking out. I wasn't sure what to do. I was pretty positive that I'd be a horrible mother. I had absolutely no clue what to do with a newborn. I called her one afternoon and she could automatically sense something was wrong - she always could. So, I told her what all was bugging me. She then calmly, because she was almost always calm, told me that I would know what to do. That I would be a great mother and that God would see that Smasher and I were alright. Well, here I am again, a little over a year later. 37 weeks pregnant with this Little Girl and I can't call her. I can't have her tell me that everything is going to be fine, so I just have to remember what she told me then.

I now feel like I took my conversations with her for granted. I mean, I think most people do after the loss of someone, but had I'd known that I wouldn't be able to have many more of them with her, I would have called more. I would have gone to see her more. But, the truth is, she lived her life as such an example of how to be a kind, wonderful, generous mother, friend, wife, grandma, etc. that I don't need to have conversations with her anymore. I know what she would tell me and I know the advice that she would give me. She made sure to leave that to us. I still miss my talks with her though.

The months since August have had both good times and bad and there really hasn't been any event in my life happen that I haven't wanted to pick up the phone and call her. When Cody and I got married, she was the first person I wanted to call, mainly because I knew she'd love him. When I found out about Little Girl, I wanted her to know because I knew she'd be so happy about another great-grandchild. When Smasher is going absolutely crazy and I don't know what to do, I want to call her to see what advice she would give. Or when he started to walk or anything like that. But I have to stop myself and remember that she knows these things already. She is watching them as they are happening.

I miss my grandma. I miss making cakes with her. Looking through photo albums. Eating the AMAZING dinners she used to make. Joking around with her. Grandpa and I calling her a "crazy old women" (lovingly, of course) and her just laughing it off. Planting flowers with her. Just sitting on the porch in the evenings and listening to her stories. I could go on forever. But I won't. Those memories stay close to my heart and nothing can replace them.

I love you, Grandma. Thank you for teaching me how to be a good mother, wife, friend, etc. Thank you for always being there when I needed somewhere to turn. I miss you, but I know you're still looking out for me.

Lions and Tigers and...Smashers!

Oh my!

Today is going to be a good day! I woke up this morning to, not a screaming kid, but a child that was happily giggling in his crib. Not only that, I just feel that no matter what, today is going to be a good day! It's raining! My favorite kind of day. It relaxes me. Friday is always kind of a hit or miss day. Some days it's crazy because The Hubby works 4:45am - 8:00pm with a couple hours of a break inbetween. Sometimes it's not bad at all. Today will be a busy but good day. I have a lesson to teach this morning. And another one this afternoon. It is almost Tri-State time ladies and gents. And hopefully this baby will be here before then so I've got to get some work in with my students. They're both wonderful though so I'm not worried about it at all!

Oh, by the way, she dropped! Like I mean really, really dropped. So, hopefully that means she'll be soon since usually that's a sure sign labor will start soon with second kids. So, yay! I'm so over being pregnant. I will NEVER be one of those women who enjoy it.

Anyway, lots of cleaning and teaching to do today and then hopefully we'll be able to make it downtown to Enid's Jazz Stroll and BBQ festival thingy. Lots of good music and good food! It will be a good family outing.

Everyone have a great weekend!

Ho Hum...

It's just one of those days. We woke up, ate, went to the park and came home. By the time we got home, I was so exhausted that I passed out in the recliner. The Hubby fed Smash lunch and by 12:30, the kid was down for a nap. He's stirring around in there right now, but I think I'll let him do that for a little bit. The Hubby went to work and so Smasher and I will probably spend the afternoon doing laundry and getting things ready for Little Girl, yet again. Smasher has opened all the drawers her clothes were in and pulled them out so I think one more wash won't hurt them at all. So, all in all a very ho hum day, but I did get a nap, so "Go Mama!!"

20 Days, 22 Hours, 38 Mins.

I could break it down into seconds as well. But I won't. Anyway, I added a timer to my desktop to mark the occasion of Little Girl's birth. I am thinking that was a bad idea. I now look at it quite a lot, willing it to go faster. It never does. I did have some really hard and pretty regular contractions yesterday afternoon so we went in, they pretty much went away and they were pretty much all for nothing. It turns out that these contractions I've been having are actually doing nothing. It's not fair. I really kind of felt like crying. Oh well, just three more weeks until she's here for sure. Lots to do. The Hubby admitted to me yesterday that most of the stuff he's promised to do probably won't get done until she's in the hospital and we're getting ready to come home because right now, he lacks the motivation. You know, that probably should have upset me a little bit, but I actually understood where he was coming from so I'll just go with it.

It was kind of a lazy weekend around here. Went to the park with Smasher Saturday to feed the ducks. We tried to get him to throw the bread out for them, but he must have been hungry. What else is new? He went down the big boy slide by himself and got a little scared before he realized that I was going to catch him. Then he handled it like a champ. The flowerbeds at our house need a sprucing up so we started working on that Saturday evening, but still have a ways to go. The Hubby and I watched Queen of the Damned and Interview With a Vampire after the kid went to bed. The Hubby had to work an after prom party at the rock wall from 12:30-2:30. Everytime I watch Interview With A Vampire, I always have this weird dream where I would be the Christian Slater character and Lestat (Tom Cruise, not Stuart Townsend, unfortunately) would jump out of the backseat of a red convertable and attack me. The vampire part doesn't worry me, getting bit by a Scientologist, however, scares the crap out of me. Anyway, so I had my weird dream and then we got up and got ready to go to church. About 20 minutes before we leave, contractions start really strong, but I say lets go anyway. We at least made it through Sunday School. We had to leave after that though. Smasher spent some time with my aunt, we went to the hospital, we went and got Smash and went home. I feel asleep around 6 and Smasher, who had not had a real nap all day, followed me at about 6:30. He just woke up. He's babbling in his crib softly so I'll take a few minutes to get some cinnamon rolls in the oven.

Have a great Monday folks! I've started to look forward to Monday, at least the next few of them anyway!

Garage Sales!!!!

That's right folks. It's garage sale time here in beautiful Enid, America! I want a sewing machine. Really really badly. I don't know how to use one but by God, I will learn. And then I will make the CUTEST things known to man. Or at least things my kids can play with or wear when I'm not too embarrassed to take them out in something I made. I'm not usually a crafty one so who knows if anything good would come out of this venture. There's also a garage sale that has a race car bed! I want one for Smash even though he's probably still about 6 months from needing it. There's lots of them with baby clothes although The Hubby says we don't need anymore for a while. Yeah right! We always need baby clothes. Okay, so maybe not NB or 0-3 months but Smasher needs some 24m - 2T and we don't have any clothes for her that go beyond 0-3m.

Chai, the kitty, needs to get his act together. He's has a few weeks to get the point that he does not go in the bassinet. If he can't figure it out, he's gone. I hate to say that. But seriously, the first time I see him in the bassinet with her, I will throw him out. It scares me. A spray bottle will be bought today.

Smash slept for a grand total of 7 hours yesterday. Not including when he went to bed at 11:00. I don't know if he's hitting a growth spurt or what but he was seriously conked out yesterday. He seems very well-rested and ready to play today though so I can deal.

Well, hope you have a very productive Saturday or if your goal is to just chill out, a very non-productive one!

brugh...

I like making up words. My son looked at me this morning after I said "brugh" and said "wha dat?" which I think means "What's that?" but probably means "You're weird, Mom." Who knows? He's a weird one. He also told the radio "hi" this morning.

Little Girl is still cooking. The Hubby and I are still debating the name even though I thought we'd agreed. We probably won't even know what her name is until she gets here. Oh well. I'm beginning to come out of my funk about her not being here yet or at least I think I am. I just need to realize that God has made pregnancy last around 40 weeks usually to ensure healthy babies. I just want her to be healthy and if that means I was pregnant for the rest of my life, I'd do it. I hope she doesn't see that as an invitation though. She'll be 37 weeks (term) in 10 days, on her daddy's birthday. And I only have 24 days until my c-section. I can do this...I think. I just wish we'd stop playing games with the contractions though.

Life is good. I love my family and my friends. They are all amazing. The Hubby and I are doing great and had a great night last night just talking about things and walking around. Smasher is an absolute joy even if he is a mess at times. I love that little guy so much. He's soooo smart! And Little Girl is - well, she hasn't done anything to make me upset at her yet. Not that I'd love her any less if she did, just sayin'. The big plan for this weekend is work on the house considering that there might actually be people in it when she gets here and I'm kind of a freak about my house being spotless if people are coming over. So, note this: if you ever want to visit, please give me at least an hour's heads up. I know I shouldn't care but I do so oh well.

Well, my friends. A certain little boy is running around smelling very suspicious so I must attend to that.


Have a wonderful day!

A New Name...

We've decided to change 8's name. I've been pretty open about my mom hating her name but after sitting down and actually talking to her about why she dislikes it kind of helped me see some issues with it. 1.) Smasher won't be able to pronounce it for a long time. 2.) When she's school age, she'll have to write out her entire name and believe me, it's long. 3.) She be called Gus or Auggie - both of which I hate. 4.) Sometimes, I find that instead of letting my mom bother me so much with what she thinks, I have to make some concessions. I agree that this is one that I probably shouldn't have made but she's already so against this child that anything that we alienate her from her anymore is just not worth it to me. I know she'll change once she's here, but it's just easier.

The Hubby and I picked out what we think to be a very beautiful name. It's still not necessarily common but a little bit more so. My mom is still not thrilled with the name, but I feel as though we've made enough of a compromise so she can deal.

So, now that that is all behind me, I'm feeling pretty good about it. Other than that...blah...

Porch Dates

Smasher went to my grandparent's house this weekend for Easter. I really am not in the mood to ride in a car for three hours so The Hubby and I stayed in home this weekend. It was a much needed break. I love my darling little boy but it's getting harder to wrangle him now. He's pretty good about entertaining himself and also realizing that I can't pick him up very easily anymore. He's such a good kid.

But while he was gone this weekend, The Hubby and I enjoyed what will be our last weekend alone before she's here. We took a walk late Friday night which led to some pretty strong contractions but they went away when I got home. Saturday we went to watch Alice and Wonderland...FINALLY!!! It was good, but I was a little disappointed but can't figure out why yet. I was having some contractions before we got there and while we were at the movie they got to be pretty regular, around 5 mins. So, we went to the hospital. Of course they stopped for the most part once we got there. I had a few kind of strong ones, but nothing to write home about, which is good because I'm only 35 weeks today so I still have a few weeks before she's ready. At least idealistically anyway. After getting home at 2am, The Hubby and I decided that we wouldn't try to go to church because I was absolutely exhausted and we were going to his sister's house about an hour away for lunch. Easter lunch was wonderful and watching the kids hunt Easter eggs was a lot of fun. We came home fairly early to try to get some stuff done but we ended up just hanging out. I know. We're lazy. I all of a sudden had a craving for lil smokies so we went and got the smokies and then I had mac and cheese and The Hubby had leftovers. There was a really pretty lightening storm happening last night so we decided to have a "porch date" which was more like a "stoop date" because I have a stoop and not a porch, but nonetheless, it was agreed that it was probably one of our best recent dates. It was simple, quite and beautiful. We then came in and watched Law Abiding Citizen. It was horrible. I mean, a decent story, but we came away from the movie feeling very depressed and down. We also rented Amelie (one of my favs) but will watch it today.

Well, I picked up the kid from my mom a couple of hours ago so we're going to go play now.

So, for now, auf wiedersehen...

Oh and painful contractions suck!!! Especially when they are like 7 mins apart.

The Waiting Game

Tick-tock. tick-tock. I feel is if the seconds get longer and longer as I wait, not so patiently, for this little girl to be here. I want my body back dang it! I've never been particularly prideful about my body, but I take fairly good care of it and it usually shows. I used to work out quite a bit but I haven't been able to at all with this pregnancy because it seems every time my heart rate goes up, I go down - to the floor. But I do want a healthy baby and so if that means waiting another month for her to be here, so be it. I will do it and try to complain a little less.

This is Holy Week. Due to contractions all night last Saturday and Sunday morning, we were unable to make it to Palm Sunday. I think that's the first Palm Sunday I've missed except for when I got my tonsils out when I was six. I was pretty saddened about it. Yesterday was Maundy Thursday and yet again, I missed the service. I'm really upset by that because it's when First United Methodist does their cantata and I have some students in the choir. But what happened? I feel asleep. I mean, I needed it, but it didn't make me feel any better. So today is Good Friday. I'm really going to try to make it to a service. Really at this point I don't care where at. We will be at church Sunday morning contractions or no. The only thing that would stop us is a trip to the hospital or something in which case I think I can make an exception. I am so disappointed in myself over this because Easter has always been the one time of year that I really focus on what Jesus dying for me actually means. I should all of the time and I know that but regardless of how well I do think about it during the rest of the year, I've always used Holy Week to really think about all that God has done for me by sending His son to die for my sins. Being a mother now, I don't know that I could sacrifice my son for the sins of the entire world. I know, I sound selfish but it's true. Another thing I've always done is on Palm Sunday I read all the accounts of Jesus entering the town and the stuff that happened that week until the Last Supper. On Maundy Thursday, I read all the accounts of the Last Supper and Jesus' arrest. Good Friday, the Crucifixion. And of course, on Easter Sunday, the Resurrection. I then usually follow it by reading Acts to remind myself of how I, as a follower of Christ, should be acting and what He wants from me. I also am not going to my grandparent's this weekend which is an almost first for me. Smasher is going which I'm not too thrilled about, but I can't ride in the car for three and half hours with contractions. And I really don't trust the hospital there to even know how to deliver a baby especially by c-section. I believe that he should be with me for Easter. That we should be together as a family for Easter, but my grandparent's haven't seen him for a while and I really do need a little break. So, regardless of where he is, he's still my little boy.

Anyway, that was long. If you really know me, I make no attempt to hide the fact that I am a Christian. At one point in my life, I did. I don't want to be that person ever again. I also make no attempt to hide that I'm not perfect and that I have serious questions about religion a lot of the time, but I refuse to see that as a bad thing. I think as humans God made us to question things. And the things I question aren't necessarily the things that God has done. They are the things man have done to take away from God.

Well, Smasher is up and I don't think he's going to go back to sleep at any point so I might as well get him out of bed and fed.

So, for now...Happy Good Friday and may the love of God and the sacrifice He made go with you today.